chuhefner.com

Alright – It’s back!  Bourdain in the Har Bin China episode, whipped out the freakin’ card right at the end of the show – and this time it was in plain sight.  No slight of hand trickery.  Although the shot of the card was a bit obscured and half assed.  I wouldn’t have really noticed it or thought much if it didn’t appear before in other episodes.  No ranting – obviously it’s to appease the sponsorship gods – plus it paid for a pretty kick ass pig-tastic meal to which I enjoyed vicariously.

Please take some time to go over to The Dressing Room a website by a good friend Kelsey Malenchak.   It’s for the fashionable and fabulous! The focus is to bring the latest in fashion and beauty (and everything else discussed in dressing rooms) to young Canadian women and to the young at heart.

This was a project to which I had a small hand in developing – as the site is built upon Wordpress with the theme being tuned up by yours truly.

Stay tuned as there are other things coming up – as well as a site relaunch for Bonnie Lui Events, and my consulting company’s site Raymond Kao Consulting.

We’re also working on 2 other projects – an online Graphic Novel site and a Toronto-centric Food show with one of my closest friends.  More news on this to come soon.

Now I know the first reaction that you all have out there is “JESUS!!! Bourdain’s a sellout!!!”.  While like all idols of rockstar-esque status eventually fall from grace and end up sellouts – I don’t think that in this particular case it’s quite a sellout by Tony.

Let’s try to remember for a second that the Discovery Channel or Travel Channel or whatever subdivision, re-marketed, re-branded department of a larger more corporate entity is still just a television network at it’s heart.  Given, we have grown to expect more  out of this channel in the past and continue to (for the most part) find value in it’s programming (i.e. such show as No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain).  But like I said, it is a television network – and don’t forget that they get money from advertisers to keep their quality goods going.  And don’t forget for a second for all you internet nerds/bloggers out there (present company excluded) that your sites that are peppered with ads and banners for varietal assortment of wares – some if not many are randomly generated goods from juggernauts such as Google and Amazon who pay you on a per click basis or a commission rate on the goods sold – just to keep your blog about how your Mr. Spriggles your cat is indeed the best cat whoever lived and is the center of your universe.  Oh yes my friend – you’re a bit of a sell out too.

Now there will be others who will say, “But Ray, the product placement happened IN THE FUCKING SHOW…and therefore went TO the show…not the network!!”

Well – yes and no.

Yes, it happened in the show, there’s evidence, even a corrupt cop and a dirty D.A. can’t fix that one.

Yes, the money goes to the show as it happened IN the show and not during the beloved “commercial break”…BUT!!!…Don’t forget also that the show is more or less owned by the network and they do dictate some standing orders that even someone like Tony, who we thoroughly respect for his no bull-shit take nothing from the man attitude, must do in order to keep producing and pumping out his show.  Didn’t your mother tell you that traveling food shows don’t grow on trees – or an analogous cliche?

BUT!!! (Yeah I know I use it far too often – BUT fuck you – I’m not an english major or someone who abides by the rules of any language – save a programming language where if you fuck it up – YOU get fucked up) NO – the network does see the money.  I don’t actually have direct access to the Travel Channel – so this part I’m not exactly 100% on.  However (yeah I switched it up there), I’m pretty certain that No Reservations isn’t the only show that’s pushing the freakin’ Credit Card either.  To this point – I’m sure the suits at the Travel Channel struck a deal with the suits at Chase Sapphire at their annual suit party (it’s a party about wearing suits – not for those who are themselves the archetype “Suits”), that if they happen to accidentally flash one of their talents using or mentioning or suggesting the use of one of their products then perhaps there will some kind of reward…a monetary kind…let’s say in the sum of several million dollars of second hand bailout money – alright maybe the bailout money was a bit of a cheap shot…I don’t know if they’re taking from the American people – but you get the point.

Now lets say for a second that the show struck up the deal independently and it wasn’t some kinda top down order from the network.  So what if they flashed the card for what was it? a half a fucking second?  It keeps the show going for one and it wasn’t all that IN YOUR FACE about it either (arguably).  Yes it was blatant – and? so? what? did it take away from the money shot? Nope.  Was it outside of the ‘narrative’ and placed in the middle of the meal? Also nope.  It was aptly placed at the end of the scene and placed where the Talent (i.e. Tony) was gracious enough to pay for the meal with his shiny blue Credit Card – a meal paid for and brought to you by the people at (*insert product name here*).  I think we can say that if the quality of the show remains that it’s a win for the good guys – you & me, the general viewers – and Tony and his crew of malcontents and slackers who travel the world at someone else’s expense.  Don’t forget that we don’t just mindlessly watch (note I said JUST…as yes – mindlessly watching is partly what we do), we also live vicariously through Tony and use his show as an escape from our trapped work a day lives in normal world.  All of this brought to you again by (*insert product name here*).

Now lets go past the money here for a second.  Lets go back and play with the idea – Did we actually see Tony whip-out the card?  Not that I can recall – but then again I didn’t overly nerd up the shot by watching it in quadruple slow-mo and wait for a small sliver of blue to show up just to confirm – I’ll leave that for you.  We do see a hand holding the frigging card – but with out a hair, skin or CSI semen and general DNA sample – or a computer enhanced widescreen shot from a NSA satellite that is watching Tony 24-Fucking-7 – I can’t confirm that a shot like that is 100% from a secondary camera crew with a ‘hand’ stunt double / doppelganger for Tony.

My theory is that the shot may have been inserted postmortem and even post trip – maybe even post-production.  We reintroduce our friend “The Travel Network Suit”.

He probably strolled in one day to the ZPZ production offices and said “Oh hey man, can you do me a favour and just plop in this little scene into the show?? It’s no big deal, my cousin and his girlfriend really loves the show and he promised her that he’d get this thing in, cuz it was something that they used on their first date and the anniversary is coming up…he’s probably going to propose to her if he doesn’t chicken out. He’s a bit of a bitch that way…Anyways if you could do that it would be tooooootally awesome!!! I’d owe you a big one – oh and lunch is on me!!! Say “Hi” to big Tony B. for me…! You’re totally my BFF dude…LOL…no seriously I’M THE BOSS!!!  DO IT!!! Laterz”.

End Scene.

Now while obviously this wasn’t how the scenario played out at all – if it did occur in any way like this.  Yet, I think I made my point…I think.

Oh and yes, I did catch another one from a more recent episode in Prague (the Czech Republic episode) at the end of the setup scene with Tina – the Czech/Viet handler – in the cafe.  Again the shot is a bit blatant as it took up an entire frame for a split second.  Again – we don’t see Tony’s face personally with the card in any way and it was kinda upside down and placed under the coffee saucer.  Again it’s a bit of an after thought shot or a “We gotta do this cuz we’ve been pwnd”.

My most important rant about this whole scenario – is that Tony does not stand in frame with his face up to the card saying how it’s the only card he and his family, the ZPZ crew, and anyone who’s a true American who loves their freedom uses.  It’s simply a shot of the card that quickly comes and goes – shocking to nerds like myself and hardcore geeks who jump at the chance to see idols fall and brand them forever a sellout.  Now as of writing this, I do fear that there will be an increased pressure for Tony to do a promo shot with the card.  If that’s the case then we’ve got something to worry about.

It’s early – so far only two shots of the card – and the suits have seen it with us – so there’s no telling on how much more exposure they want to make them and their friends happy.  Even when the day comes that Tony is peddling the card like a Hollywood star would push some kinda new funky boxed drink in Japan for millions of Yen, we need not worry too much, as it pays for us to live a life less ordinary through Tony.  If one day however the small print for selling his soul includes eating at a franchised fast food joints and praising their new bacon double mushroom cheese melt with “gourmet” chiabatta bread as the next best thing since Foie Gras…then we’ve got a serious jumping the shark scenario.  Travel Food shows have taken their final bow – draw curtains – sound the violins, and the world as we know it is over.  We’re talking four horsemen people – fire and brimstone and all.

Does anyone else find this show a bit if not completely useless???  More to the point, does anyone else find that this show is about grabbing Flay by his junk and giving him the greatest happy ending of all time?  Not only this but it doesn’t even give the ‘guest’s on the show the respect of a decent reach around for their efforts and taking it up their respective poopers.  As great as Flay is in his various kitchens, and as much right as any celebrity chef has at being rightfully cocky (especially when they bring home more money than the networks and producers that made them a star), this show really takes the friggin cake at what is wrong and evil with your daily dose of low brow food porn.  Trust me - I watch my fair fucking share of vicarious food orgasims…on a daily basis at that.

Much like actual porn – which I also have had my fair share of watching (don’t act like you’ve never done it!) – the formula is such: You take your best hung and biggest name talent, fluff them up big time, then bring in the newbie who’s super hard working and ready to show you all that they got, and let the talent go to town on their junk.  Don’t forget to add some kinda story behind it all…just so your mind has something to think about in between setups…Sound like Throwdown with Bobby “Hardcastle” Flay?  No?  Let me clarify for you then…

Here’s my breakdown of what this daytime equivalent of porn is about:

You take big boy B-Flay and intro him and his big throbbing talent.  Queue shot of Bar America – don’t worry – if unaquainted you can wiki it later.  Shortly after establishing him as God’s greatest gift to mankind’s mouth (yep that’s right…you read that right you sick bastard), make sure you redundantlyexagerate his prowess by setting him up in a gimicky fashion as a spy ready for a secret mission.  Now lets for a second establish a bit of a sub plot.  The new comer (I could have spelt that differently – and you know what I mean) is a respectable but less gigantic agent of the foodie underworld.  Armed with their particular death touch – lets say street waffles – we now establish that this little bastard has to get their egos knocked down a notch – lest Big Bobby F. get a bad wrap.  We watch as the hapless opponent goes about their daily routine unknowing of the trap to come.  They are tricked into appearing at the right time and place ready for Flay to spring his trap and dominate his opponent!!! DEVIOUS!!!  But our master of the culinary art of war is studying his opponent, learning their every move and understanding what makes them tick.  Flay springs his trap and fucking tripple teams his single opponent – yeah that’s right – Flay came with two other talents – veterans from the looks of it – and it’s a mad ass orgy with a crowd watching too!  Lots of oooohing and awwwing to be had – other food-gasim related sounds and expressions to be had – then it’s over.  The winner???  Sometimes it’s Flay – sometimes it’s the new guy – no one really cares – it’s all about the ego stroke and the happy ending – seriously the show is all “Wow!!! Bobby Flay showed up…shit!!!! This is gonna be good!!!” when it’s all over it’s kinda like an ending to a Rodney Dangerfield (R.I.P. big guy) movie – drinks and spontaneous dancing.

Oh and the part about not giving the new guy a reach around – well – basically these people who are famous in their areas for what they do are told that they’ll be appearing if not getting a Food Network show.  Oh, but that was a lie to get you on our show – hahah…lol dude – J/K! No seriously there’s no show…call us when you have at least a Michelin star – or show up for one of our “Next Top Food Stuffers 18″ Try outs – no promises though.

So not only does Bobby Flay show up on the show you’re suppose to get and attempt (if not in some cases succeed) to kick your ass at what you do with all your being day in day out – you also have instantly lost that show you were suppose to get doing stuff that means a lot to you.  Not to mention the fame and fortune.  Oh well sucks to be you dip shit.  Sincerly, The Food Network.

Mean while Bobby “Moneyshot” Flay goes back to sad life filled with his millions of dollars, super hot wife, and his little known show “Gods of Golden Cookery: Western Hemisphere: The Show” or some shit like that.  Sad fucker.

Being behind on this site only means that I’m busy else where. Since moving on to becoming my own boss and doing the freelance consulting thing, I’ve had non-stop work.
This doesn’t just include working for clients, as I’ve had to put my company’s needs second (or in some cases 100th) place to my clients. That’s really a no brainer. However I haven’t neglected the work that needs to be done. I have however neglected my personal ambitions and projects outside of my professional life.
I’m hoping that the coming days will mean that several family sites, and more dear to my heart – a video site with rich content will be up in the coming months. I’m trying to be more realistic and I may delegate work to sub-contractors in order to get things on the road.

What can I say…Bad habits die hard.

I’ve now officially moved on professionally – so the only thing that occupies my working time – is nothing.  Soon there will be a transformation.

Expect to see this site reborn and in a short period of time – many other small projects popping (is that even spelt right? Is spelt even a word?) up.

A small preview into what’s coming – a review of a new (to me) taco place in Toronto – now with video!

To me, there is but only one TV chef who I can say I truly respect.  This man is none other than Anthony Bourdain.  If you’re unacquainted with who he is – let me give you my readers digest version.

Anthony Bourdain, is currently the host/co-creator of Travel Channel’s “No Reservations”.  His show’s premise is not unlike others of it’s ilk; a chef travels to various locales both exotic and domestic, tasting, eating and discovering an array of food that is equally as new or familiar.  It is a television show – designed to be our way of living vicariously through others while we stay static in our comfy and humble abodes – wishing we were there.  Nothing new – in theory.

“So Chu?” you ask “…What’s so great about this Bourdain dude then?”  Ah my friend…it’s simple.  This “dude” is not your typical lipstick celebrity chef du jour.  Although respected, he’s not a celebrated Michelin Star chef, who creates delicate and intricate dishes that are arguably more art than food.  He’s IMO a blue collar chef, down to earth with what he makes, and makes well.

His training and work has been in the traditional french cooking world, being most notably the executive chef at NYC’s ‘Brasserie Les Halles’ prior to his rise to the title of “TV-Chef”.  At this point you may be saying “But Chu, french cooking isn’t blue collar!”.  I ‘liken’ this response to this – Just because you substitute the spelling of a word with a letter “X” in it, doesn’t automatically mean that that word, or by application, the meaning/activity is now that much more hardcore.  I apply this to the theory of French cooking – just because it’s got the word french in it doesn’t mean it’s automatically fancy.

We’re talking about the traditional techniques to produce ageless french fare – what is considered fancy by most because it’s not a $1.49 (or less) burger from your local franchised burger place.  This traditional way of cooking has been in practice long before the rise of the Happy Meal.  We’re talking about chops, soups, stews…the list goes on…and it’s all made in huge gut busting proportions – none of that aforementioned ‘frou-frou’ sized portions.

It is true however – that the style is practiced less now in your home, or even likely anywhere within 20kms of you now.  This is especially true if you live outside of France, or french speaking parts of the world, like in my part of the globe – Quebec – par example.  So yes, the only places left serving these dishes are finer establishments, but we’re still referring to food that was mostly considered peasant food.  Although the techniques have been refined down to an art, this is ultimately the evolution of anything good and worth repeating.

Ok – so back to the subject at hand.  Bourdain made his way up in the seedy underbelly of the restaurant world – as can be read in his break out and arguably celebrity-career making book “Kitchen Confidential”.  He’s worked hard to get to this point, working in ‘turn’n'burns’, grinding out vast amounts of food to an unending legion of hungry, smelly, angry, sleepy, dopy, sneezy…you get the idea…This dude has worked hard.  and just to bang on the point a bit more…he’s not the typical celebrity chef with a restaurant in every major hub spread across the world.  In fact you can see this for yourself in shows such as his – ‘No Reservations’ – Season 4 Episode 10 entitled “Into the Fire”.

Further to all of this, and what I think I find most appealing, is that he’ll try just about anything.  And this isn’t one of those gags to make you watch the show (although perhaps a little).  It’s a true foodie type experience – where he’ll try it out of respect, because he’s in a village that you’d only normally see on a ‘feed the children’ type fundraising commercial – and the people there offer up what little they have to him.  OR out of the realization that these people have been eating it for hundreds if not thousands of years – so there’s got to be something good about it.

As he’s said many times on his show and in interviews – (i paraphrase – more or less) when you’re travelling you’re more likely to get food poisoning from the hotel kitchen than from a dirty looking roadside cart that’s got a line up of locals a mile long.  To put it simply If it’s bad food -no one will go.

His willingness to try food – not necessary like or love it – makes his show truly about food and great food culture.  His goal is to find the perfect meal – and he is constantly on this quest.

When you combine that willingness with what seems like an unending appetite (I’m sure some video editing has a part in it), humour, style, a great camera and production crew (this last part is a guess as I can’t say I know this first hand by any means) then you’re already a success.

His style when you sum it up is truly no bullshit.

There are many out there that love him for this and a whole lot more.  There are many on the other hand that hate him for this and a whole lot more.  Which brings me to his varied enemies and haters alike.

My drive to write this article came about from a profound respect for Bourdain (as I hope you can tell).  Not just to praise him, but to defend and possibly explain him to those who feel contrary to how I do on Bourdain as a subject.

This article really came up as I was randomly coming across an article that deemed Bourdain as a ‘monster’ of sorts.  My curiosity peaked.  This article was part of a Vegetarian website, and it portrayed Bourdain as the master of all that was bad and evil.  After All Bourdain is known above all else, to be a proponent of eating the one thing that vegetarians are known for – MEAT!!!!

Granted, the article was putting Bourdain on the dart board for his statements in his book “Kitchen Confidential” about Vegetarians, and more ‘hatefully’ specific towards vegans.  His statement “Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans … are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit.” as you can tell – doesn’t exactly put things nicely.

Ok – so it’s a bit mean, exaggerated and over the top.  Ok – so it’s fucking hilariously biased and if you’re a vegetarian or especially a vegan – it’s rude and insulting at best.

But come on – do you think the guy is really out to get you?

I think this quote really speaks out to a few things.

The worst and in my opinion the best part of the article is the exaggerated simile of the vegans to Hezbollah – an organization known to be extreme and listed by the west as a terrorist organization.  So if you’re a vegan you’re not gonna like that statement so much. But have you thought about why that is? For those of you who did – and got the sarcasm/joke – then you’re not part of the group that’s armed with pitchforks and torches, waiting to capture and kidnap Bourdain and place his lanky old ass on that awesome pyre you built.  But if you didnt get the joke, or can’t let it go – then you’re in that mob – and dude – you’re an extremist and that’s what he’s talkin about.

Before you hunt me down and disembowel me – allow me to explain – with sarcasm and insulting humour.

As you may know (and hopefully have accepted) Vegitarians are generally stereotyped into the image of a ‘Hippie’.  Tree-hugging, pot smoking, smelly, save the earth and give our children a greener planet – Hippie.  A group of strung out, malnourished light-weights who wouldn’t raise a fist to defend themselves pacifists.  For the most part they are nothing to be concerned about – they’ll do their own crazy liberal things and keep out of our way of inhumanly killing animals and eating their still beating hearts for breakfast.

Vegans – are genearllythe more vocal subculture and more extreme group to this ragtag band of freaks.  Much like Hezbollah – they form groups and terrorize our innocent meat eating children into submission.  Attack our way of life with their words.  So filled with hate and so willing to destroy our freedoms by rallying together in groups planning the destruction of our society as we know it.  Not only do they not eat meat – they eat nothing that came from meat or resembles any shape or form of meat.  Watch out – they’re out to get you – they’re in your neighbourhood and they’re all planning to kill you.  Eat plants or die motherfuckers!

Your unwillingness as an entire group to do what we’ve been doing for thousands of years - to keep doing what we’ve evolved to do – is an abomination.  Your way of life disgusts us and you are terrorizing me, my family and my country.  You represent all that is evil in this world – and I will find you and kill you too.

Seriously though, it’s not that we’re not morally opposed to watching an animal get killed.  Sure it’s cruel unusual and horrible treatment, but it’s how things work.  I know you’re thinking that I and others like me are assholes and scum, but it’s food.  The animals are defenseless and have the brain the size of a tennis balls at best.  Depending on what you believe, this is how evolution / god (another debate another time) has meant it to be.   So roll with it baby!  It’s human nature!

I’m not saying you’re wrong – hell you’re morally in the right – but it feels too good to stop – so get off my back.  If I’m not hitting you with extreme meat eating then don’t get up in my face about not eating meat….huh? something like that – you got the point.  I’m too high on meat to understand you anyways.

I know that there are those out there who are vegetarians and vegans and get it.  You do what you think is right, try to explain to people what’s up and you move on.  We have some beers we laugh, cry a little – life goes on.  The rest of you – sorry – extremists, and therefore you’re a kin to Hezbollah.

Food is where it’s at.  Tasty tasty food.  Face it you’re addicted to it -whether you’re an omni, carni, veggie or a crazy ass vegan – you love food.  You can’t live without it.  So why do you limit yourself?  Ok – Like we’ve established – it’s wrong to kill – but for food!?  I’d kill for food, and I do - I pay many people indirectly to get that sweet stuff on my table.

You’re harshing my buzz man – all your talk about those dead animals – it’s making hard to eat this – you’re killing me!!! Fuck it, I need my next hit – FEED ME!!!!

It’s all about food – give it to me now – give it to me good – give me lots of it – i dont care any more just give it to me!!!!

What really sets us apart from animals is our ability and need to turn food into something more than just it’s basic components.  Sure we could just eat a carrot – but fuck – what if we got some butter on that shit!!! FUCK – what if we add salt!!! HOLY FUCK!!! Grill it up!!!

It’s not so much that you don’t like meat – there are foods that I don’tlike – it’s your limitation of an entire group of food and unwillingness to try it that makes you an enemy of all that is good and decent in the human spirit.  It is our nature to turn other growing things into a tasty array of good eats.  Choosing not to make meat one of your choices is a turn in the wrong direction.  It’s ok not to like steak (not for me – but for you it’s ok), but not to eat beef at all or other meats?  Don’t like french fries? ok fine – mashed potatoes anyone? Being of like mind as Bourdain on the subject – your “Evilness” – is your lack of discovery.  There is so many great dishes out there – many of them meat based.  Bourdain chooses to try – to taste to love. Bourdain and the rest of us – we love food as it’s whole.  You hate an entire group of food – and your choice to cut them out is what makes you the seed of all evil.